The Day You Become a Better Friend
From someone who only had two friends in college.
Let’s cut to the chase. You clicked on this article because deep down you want to be a better friend.
And, from someone who used to fail to make and keep his friends back in college but now has more than enough genuine friendships — which is what we should strive for — I think I should make the cut, albeit, barely.
Let’s get to it.
Stop Offering Your Half-Baked Solutions
Instead, just listen.
Listen, when someone tells you their problems, 99% of the time they already know what they should be feeling, thinking, doing. No amount of lectures, advice, or well-crafted solutions will make them think otherwise.
Besides, your 0.02 cents isn’t the reason they vent to you in the first place.
People come to you because they want their feelings to be heard, to be understood, to be validated. They come to you, and specifically you, because they trust you to do the right thing: To listen to them with the intent to understand. That’s all there is to it, really.
Stop trying to “fix” things, unless of course, they clearly ask you to. Most of the time, though, they don’t.
Don’t Be an Insufferable-Know-It-All
I get you. I really do.
I know it’s hard to stop yourself from being a pronunciation nazi when your friend says facade as “fuh-cait” instead of “fuh-saad”.
I know a little piece of you dies inside every time you see “its hurt” on your Twitter timeline.
I know how itchy your skin feels when your bro claims that Penaldo — I mean Ronaldo — is the greatest footballer of all time.
But still, keep it to yourself, or go to Reddit and fight a 13-year-old on r/politics to relieve that urge, or something.
See, humans are emotional. Instead of changing our minds when we’re told that we’re wrong — even though the facts are right there in front of us — we steel our resolves and our hearts harden.
We roll up our sleeves to get ready for the impending squabble. Then we bicker back and forth, make a fool out of ourselves, and then regret it two days later. In the end, no one wins, and things become awkward from then on.
Nothing good comes from being a Mr. (or Mrs.) Know-It-All, ever. And not to mention that they’re also super annoying to deal with.
But, hold your horses — you shouldn’t abandon or let your friends be, either. I mean, you’re trying to be a better friend after all, not just a friend, friend.
Just don’t correct them over something minor, and definitely don’t do it when everyone else is there. Also, try to sound like a Canadian when you say it (Canadians are nice, or so I’ve heard).
And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus. — Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People
Yes, They Do Mind Waiting For You
There are two types of people in the world:
- The people who get upset, annoyed, angry at you when you’re late.
- Liars.
Look, when somebody says he doesn’t “mind” waiting for you, he’s obviously lying. Nobody is that nice; that’s like Jesus' level of nice, and as far as I know, there’s only one of him.
And also, he has every right to be upset with you. He could’ve watched an entire episode of The Office, shave his private parts, or play with his evil fluffy creatures at home.
And also, it’s not rocket science to know that time is the most precious resource in our lives.
People make a movie based on it, scientists study it, you get paid for it, you get fired because of it, people gladly pay a stupid amount of money to have more of it if only they could.
So be punctual. It’s the highest form of respect you could show to someone.
Keep Their Disgraceful Pasts to Yourself
Alright, time for an embarrassing story.
On one fine day in October, my then-girlfriend broke up with me, and so my sorry heart was broken in two. That night, I went to one of my bro’s houses, brought a bottle of $4 Vodka (in my defense, I was jobless), and drank that entire bottle in the same night.
Needless to say, I was so intoxicated I couldn’t remember anything at all. Unfortunately for me though, my friend did remember.
He said that for the entire night, I was wailing like a 5-year old while lying on the cold tarred road outside of his house, puked three times, and kept on repeating the same gibberish like “I want to be the greatest” (I know, but I was really sad).
Three weeks later, I hung out with my circle. And of course, they knew; my friend had told them. The story of that miserable night had spread around, and I became the butt of a joke for a while.
Looking back, what my friend did wasn’t cool, at all. Sure, everyone gets a laugh out of it, but a little part of me dies every time someone mentioned it to me to this day. Oh, c’est la vie…
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” — Matthew 7:12
The moral of the story, please, for heaven’s sake, don’t share any of your friends’ downright humiliating moments. Or maybe, don’t drink an entire bottle of liquor in the first place. Or, maybe—Miguel de Unamuno was right all along — that love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion and that it will only lead you astray.
You know what, maybe all three.
Don’t Be a Ghost; Communicate Like a Human
Rejections can drive some people to the brink of insanity. But, do you know what’s a guaranteed way to make somebody go insane? You ignore them.
Nowadays, ignoring people via the Internet is the new ‘no’ and takes no effort whatsoever. Social media and social messengers have enabled and encouraged us to be ghosts. Read receipts and blue ticks can be disabled. Our “last online” time can be hidden so people wouldn’t know whether you’re alive or dead!
Thanks to some tech geniuses in Silicon Valley, we can now pretend we didn’t “see” their texts or only reply when the favor is then irrelevant. It’s easy and it‘s also guilt-free!
So then, should we keep doing it? Of course not.
Our friends aren’t as dumb as we think they are. They know you’re ignoring their texts and calls on purpose. Think about it — in this day and age where smartphones reign, tell me, is there anyone who’s not on their phone 24/7?
And yes, there’s no denying that it’s painful to hear the word ‘no’. Rejection is gut-wrenching, and it simply sucks — for both sides. But, you and I have been ignored many times in our lives to know that we’d take obvious made-up excuses at any time of the day over that.
So, unless you’re trying to win the worst friend award, or you’re trying to drive your friends insane on purpose, don’t ignore them.
Don’t ghost.
Be human.
We Suck at Retaining Information, So Here’s a Recap for You
- Stop trying to “fix” things. 99% of the time, people just want to vent and express how they feel and your only job is to listen.
- Nothing irks your friends more than a know-it-all, so think before you speak. Take a step back and ask yourself: Is it important? If I say it now, will I only embarrass him/her, or is it better to just let it slide and have fun?
- The highest form of respect is to be on time. So stop dilly-dallying and be punctual.
- Don’t tell others about your friends’ humiliating, disgraceful pasts. Sure, it might make a good story and everyone will get a laugh out of it, but, your poor friend will definitely not find it funny.
- Let your friends know why you can’t make it, or why you had to say ‘no’ to their requests. Don’t ignore or ‘ghost’ them to go around it; be human and communicate.
